Failure
More than anything, I am terrified of failure. I don’t want to let people down or make mistakes. I want to make sure things are perfect, because if they aren’t, then the world will end or I’ll be struck with lightning, not sure which.
But I think God wants to teach me how to fail. That sounds weird, but it makes sense. I can’t think of anything within the past 3 months that has been major that has gone right. Nothing. For 3 months. That’s a whole lot of wrong. (Although I do have to say that school is going well…glad THAT’S not being affected).
But I think there’s something to it. I have been agonizing over 3 months of failure recently, showing myself that I can’t handle it. I can’t handle messing up, crashing, and ruining things. Which is obviously a problem. So I think God wants me to learn how to fail. It sounds cruel and mean, but I don’t see it like that. He is showing me that love goes beyond failure, and that I don’t have to do everyhting right in order to be good enough.
See, I get into this mindset that unless I do things right, and with perfect timing, and am more useful than I am burdensome, that I will be rejected or abandoned by God and by others. I tend to think that at some point, I’m going to mess up so much that I won’t be worth the effort that God takes to improve me. God will eventually throw in the towel because He is putting more work into me than He is getting out of me. And that’s such a toxic way of thinking.
I am seeing with greater clarity and understanding what verses like Romans 5:6-8 really mean. God died for sinners, the unrighteous, the mess-ups. He didn’t die for the healthy, He died for the sick. There’s no point in my life where I will have messed up beyond repair. God has sought me out because I’m broken. God has chosen me because I don’t have it all together. God has worked in my life because He wants to continue to make me holy. It’s not about Him getting anything back from me. It’s not about me getting to the point where I’m “good enough” to serve Him or where I’m sanctified enough that He will leave me alone to do the things He wants out of me. He’s not a God who uses his children in a selfish way to get something out of us. He loves me, and He’s not out for any sort of gain other than a relationship with me and enjoying who He created me to be.
I’m not saying that God doesn’t use us in a positive way to impact others. Because He does, and it’s amazing to see and be a part of. But He doesn’t look at us and only see our worth based on what He can get out of us. I could do nothing but fail for the rest of my life, and when I got to heaven, as long as I had pure motives and an honest and humble heart, I firmly believe I would be welcomed to God’s side and loved as much as that person who did everything right. I have been “perfect” for too long, and I need to stop.
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