Can't we find a middle ground?

So, it’s been a few weeks since I posted. I have been working and adjusting to life as an employed person. The difference between everything is crazy. And it’s really nice to have money.

I am seeing how much some experiences I have already had have allowed me to do well at my work and some of the areas I need to improve in. I think I am doing very good at the relational aspect of work, where I need to be patient with peoples’ faults and also make sure I am courteous of other people with regards to my faults. And I think the work itself is not too bad.

It’s funny how my priorities are so different at work than they would have been 2 years ago if I had gotten a job when I first started looking. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have stopped working to talk to anyone who came by to see me. I would have also worked myself way too much for my own good. But I don’t do either of those. The poeple around me who want to visit have become more important than my work and I think I have become more important than my work. I don’t think I define myself by what I do, even though that’s something I could have easily fallen into. So if some things are left undone, it is okay. I’ll get to them later.

Looking at all of this lets me see how much I have changed as a person through the past few years. There have been some good and some bad, but it’s all worked to make me a much better person than I would have been, and for that I’m grateful.

I just recently finished my first journal. It covered over 2 years of my life and documented more personally and intimately what this blog has recorded for the past few years. It was crazy to finish it and read back through it and see what God has done in my life and what He has chosen not to do. He has worked in amazing ways and it’s important to go back and see how He has. He is definitely faithful.

So yeah…that’s kind of an update. I hope to have more to say once I adjust to working so much but right now I am pretty tired all the time.

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Hey, everyone,

Just wanted to write and let you know about some things going on in my personal life right now.

Firstly, I got a new job! I start work on the 18th, and it really is a great job for me.

Secondly, I got a new car. It’s a 1995 Toyota Camry, and it’s pretty rad.

That’s all :)

Heather

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The message of this song is something I’ve heard a lot recently.

Steven Curtis Chapman’s new album comes out August 9! It has some new stuff and some old stuff, and I’m really looking forward to it.

“Do Everything” by Steven Curtis Chapman

See video here.You’re picking up toys on the living room floor
For the fifteenth time today
Matching up socks
Sweeping up lost Cheerios that got away
You put a baby on your hip
Color on your lips and head out the door

And while I may not know you
I bet I know you wonder sometimes
Does it matter at all?
Well, let me just remind you
It all matters just as longAs you do everything you do
To the glory of the One who made you
‘Cause He made you
To do everything little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do

Maybe you’re that guy with the suit and tie
Maybe your shirt says your name
You may be hooking up mergers
Cooking up burgers
But at the end of the day
Little stuff, big stuff, in-between stuff
God sees it all the sameAnd while I may not know you
I bet I know you wonder sometimes
Does it matter at all?
Well, let me remind you
It all matters just as long

As you do everything you do
To the glory of the One who made you
‘Cause He made you
To do everything little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every thing that you doOr maybe you’re sitting in math class
Or maybe on a mission in the Congo
Or maybe you’re working at the office
Singing a song on the radio
Maybe you’re dining at a five star
Or feeding orphans in Myanmar
Anywhere and everywhere that you are
Whatever you do, it all matters
So do what you do
Don’t ever forget to do

Everything you do
To the glory of the One who made you
‘Cause He made you
To do every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of graceAs you do everything you do
To the glory of the One who made you
‘Cause He made you
To do every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do
And every little thing you do
And every little thing you do

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My church has recently split their youth group up into junior high and high school, and since I volunteer in the youth ministry, I now have two youth groups that I am attempting to keep track of.

I had no clue that it would be difficult to keep the two straight, but everything feels jumbled up in my brain. I feel like I need to bring pads of paper to each group and take notes because my mind is mixing everything up together. I have Tuesday night youth group, Wednesday night youth group, and Sunday morning junior high. On top of that, I have two college groups I regularly attend, and various other biddings for my time.

I just feel like I want to scream because I’m totally not in control. I am showing up to each event wondering what is going on and just having to shut up and watch and see where the night goes. I don’t really like that. I like knowing and feeling like I have some sort of control or knowledge of the situations. So this is definitely a different experience, and one I am still very much getting used to.

I know God is smiling, though, because He knows more than anyone how much I love control and how much this goes outside of my comfort zone in every way. Although in comparison to the major things of life, this is small, it still is getting to me and it is still a chance for me to practice surrender and trust in Him, even when I feel a little lost and confused at times. I just need a little patience and I’ll get to see what God is doing in it all.

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I’m totally loving a song by Sanctus Real right now called “The Redeemer”. It’s about God taking the broken and making it new.

I have been thinking about the past 6 months of my life, and both the wreckage in it and the newness that has begun to come out, too, and it’s both painful/humbling/scary/saddening and joyful/incredible/awe-inspiring/exciting. A part of me still thinks I don’t deserve the second chances I have gotten in these past months, causing me to want to reject them, but a part of me is thankful and eager to embrace them. I don’t deserve these second chances and I really should be back at sqaure one with everything in my life, but for some reason people around me haven’t given up on me, even when I was secretly ready to give up on myself.

Through it all, I have learned how deep some of my passions go and how much I am every day in need of God’s intervention in my own stupid ways. I am learning to be more humble, listening, and deliberate, along with learning to pick and choose what I need to plan and be really deliberate about without being over-controlling. It’s a tough line to walk, and one I’m still learning where to draw.I guess above all, I’m thankful and hopeful for continued newness in me and in the people around me.

“The Redeemer” by Sanctus Real
Sometimes I just wanna start over
‘Cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on
‘Cause I can’t see what’s ahead
And there are places I’ve wished I could be
Battles I’ve wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I’m still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I’ve lost my faith in so many things
But I still believe in You
‘Cause You can make anything newSometimes I just wish we could say
All the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see
And explain every unanswered prayer
But I’d rather speak honestly
And wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
‘Cause in the middle of my broken dreams
Redemption is here

And I’m still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I’ve lost my faith in so many things
But I still believe in You
‘Cause You are the answer, the Redeemer
Oh, I’ve given up on too many things
But I’m not giving up on You
‘Cause You can make anything newI don’t have every answer in life
But I’m trusting You one day at a time
‘Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
This is where heaven and earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I’m still a dreamer
(This is where heaven and earth collide, I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer
(This is how my weary heart stays alive)
You are the answer
(This is where heaven and earth collide, I lift my voice and give my life)
The Redeemer
(This is how my weary heart stays alive)
‘Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

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So I’ve been re-reading the beatitudes many times over recently, in many different translations and just soaking them in.

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God.
4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
7 “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
10 “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.- Matthew 5:3-12

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Matthew 5:3-12 MSG

3 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are - no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

6 “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

7 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being “care-full,” you find yourselves cared for.

8 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

9 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

10 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

11-12 “Not only that - count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens - give a cheer, even! - for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.

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This song cracks me up because it’s so true of me, yet shows how silly my thinking can be.

“Know By Now” by Josh Wilson

See video here.

(Please select a song)Well, so it all went wrong
I started singing that sad, sad song
So convinced that I was on my own
But God, I know
That You won’t leave
Guess I let it slip my memory
Fast as I can count to one-two-three
Four-getful me

Wha-o-aho, here I go again
Why do I forget You’re always faithful?
Wha-o-aho, how many times have I seen
You give just what I need?
Wha-o-aho, here I go again
I forget You’re gonna work it out somehow
You’d think that I’d know by nowWell, I’d like to learn to live by faith
As the flowers of the field might say
Worry doesn’t add a single day
Oh God, I pray
You’ll help me see
When I’m looking at my history
All the ways You’ve taken care of me
I want to believe but

Wha-o-aho, here I go again
Why do I forget You’re always faithful?
Wha-o-aho, how many times have I seen
You give me just what I need?
Wha-o-aho, here I go again
I forget You’re gonna work it out somehow
You’d think that I’d know by nowThat You are always in control
I should know by now
That You’re gonna work it out
But this shadow of a doubt
Won’t let me

Wha-o-aho, here I go again
Why do I forget You’re always faithful?
Wha-o-aho, how many times have I seen
You give me just what I need?
Wha-o-aho, here I go again
I forget You’re gonna work it out somehow
You’re gonna work it out somehow
You’d think that I’d know by now

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Well…obviously, the world didn’t end. And I didn’t think it would.

But despite that, I went through a lot of emotions and thoughts on Friday and Saturday.

A part of me was totally ready to go to heaven and leave this world behind. I wrote a little about that on Friday.

But another part began to think of all that I could have done and all I could do if I still had a little more time. I wanted to be able to give more of me and my life away than I had. I wanted to serve in ways I never had. I wanted to not care about what would happen to me and instead focus on what’s best for the kingdom of God.

It also reminded me that God really is in control. A song I listened to on Friday was “The Lord Reigns” and it struck me that God really is in charge, which is why I trust Him to take me to heaven when the time comes and why I believe His promises. The Lord really does reign and I really can rely on that and lean into that promise during the tough and uncertain times in my life.

And it reminded me that the world really will end at some point. No, it wasn’t yesterday, but it will be one day. And because of that, I should not waste what days I have been given. God deserves them and deserves all of me. I don’t know exactly what that looks like. I don’t think I have ever seen total surrender in an intimate way. And although I believe and have surrendered some of me, or even most of me, I still keep parts to myself. I still entertain my own desires. I still want my own future. I rely on my own knowledge. I base my worth on my perception of me. There’s still a lot of “me” and “I” in my world. There’s still a lot not surrendered. And I want to be surrendered, willing, and eager even, to lose everything I want at the drop of a hat for everything that He wants.

God, show me what that looks like. Because I just don’t know. But I want it, not because I “should” or because it’s “right”, but because I’m exchanging me for you, my world for the bigger picture, my purposes (no matter how good they may seem) for the ones You have planned. I want it, and yet I don’t know how to get it. I don’t think I can do it by myself, though. I think it’s You doing it in me. So do it in me and don’t let me be stubborn or overly reasonable. Let me be a stream that You direct as You please and a piece of clay that You shape into what You want. I don’t want to interfere with the process because I tend to mess it up. I know You want me to have a part in it, however, so show me what my role looks like and give me the strength to do it. Correct me when I’m wrong because I know I will be wrong a lot of the time. Revitalize me and rejuvinate me. Exchange the old for the new and remake me every moment of every day. It’s only by Your power I can even pray this with meaning and only by Your strength that I can act on it. So fill me with Your Spirit and send me to do Your work in the world You have created and that will be around for at least another day. I love You. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

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They say tomorrow is the end of the world…I don’t think it is. Logically, the method Harold Camping used was ridiculous.

But there’s a small (maybe larger than I want to admit) part of me that hopes he’s right. Frankly, I am so stinking done with this world and have been for a long time. I am sitting on the edge of my seat awaiting the final uncovering from heaven, where I will finally get to see my Jesus face to face. I just don’t think it will happen tomorrow.

Well…I’ll write on Sunday if I’m still here ;)

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